We’ll defend Noakes with our dairy rears

Who cut the cheese?

Who cut the cheese?

Dear Diary 
Re: No ifs but a lot of butts
The minister in charge of water and sanitation Nomvula Mokonyane said Cabinet ministers will use their buttocks to defend President Jacob Zuma. I decided I’d write a story to see what opposition parties would use to defend their leaders.
“We will defend Helen Zille with our Botox,” said the DA’s MMusi Maimanethe.
“We will us our butter to defend Tim Noakes,” said a spokesman for the No Carb Congress (NCC). “In fact, never mind butter we’ll use double-thick cream. We will defend Tim with our dairy rear, which, when you think about it, is basically arse cream.”
EFF chief whip Floyd Shivambu said members would defend Julius Malema with their flatulence. “We are, after all, the Economic Freedom Farters,” he said, adding that they were outraged that the ANC were using their derrieres to defend President Zuma.  “We invented exposing our bums as a political tool; it’s our weapon of ass destruction. Typically, the ANC has stolen it from us. We are the original full mooners.”
The editor put a red line through my copy.

Dear Diary
RE: The Sky is the limit.
I’m so excited. I am going to be world famous. I was assigned to “answer the phones and stay the hell out of my way” today when a call came through from a SKY News presenter. She wanted to interview an “Oscar expert”. There was only me and Molly the newsroom mascot, who is a cat. “Well, cats always make good TV. Maybe next time,” said the presenter. And then she dropped a bombshell: “What about you?” she asked. Me? Diary. Me! Can you believe it? Later, Diary, I must go cut my teeth, feed my hair and floss the cat.

Dear Diary
Re: A fistful of Dolus
It was so stressful knowing that a gazillion people were watching me but, and I hope you won’t think I’m arrogant, but I dare say I think I pulled it off as it were.
The Sky anchor hit me with her first question: “What do you think about the dollars finding?”
Well, I was a bit confused about why she wanted to know what the exchange rate had to do with Oscar but I thanked my lucky stars I had read the business section that morning.
“It’s always good to find dollars when the Rand is so weak,” I answered. “Although, it’s even better to find pounds.”
“Not dollars,” she said. “Dolus! Dolus Eventualis.”
“Oh Dolus Eventualis – well why didn’t you say so?” You know how being put on the spot makes a person go blank?  Well, I was blanker than a whites-only beach in 1982. I knew the name but I couldn’t quite place him. Is Dolus the frontman in a heavy metal band, the Blue Bulls’ tight-head prop or a character in Astrix? I had to wing it. “Well, what can one say about Dolus that hasn’t already been said before?” I said. She nodded. “Go on,” she said. “I suppose, between you and me at the end of the day at this moment in time it’s not rocket science or brain surgery, as it were.”
“I suppose,” she said. “But do you think Dolus was correct?”
It was now or never. I had to pick one. I went with heavy metal guy. “I’m not sure,” I answered “but at some point he’ll have to face the music – and it will be horrible.”

Dear Diary
RE: Braaivleis of the profanities
The editor wanted me to speak to a new political outfit, the Braaiers’ United Resistance Party (BURP). I made my way to their HQ and interviewed BURP President Braai’n Habana about the harsh words between Heritage Day’s hardcore heritagers and the Heretic’s Day medium-rare braaiers.
“The Heritagers believe there is a Third Wors at work, but they speak with forked tongs. We think it’s awesome to celebrate our many cultures with chops en dops. We want to put the steakholders and rollplayers together and have one massive prego party,” he said.
It was time for tough questions.
ME: “But what about vegetarians?”
“We don’t discriminate. We’re braaing a Springbok tonight and they don’t eat meat.”
ME: What do you say about the hardliners who have accused you have hijacking Heritage Day and have vowed to close you down?
“You can tell them this,” said Habana. “With our rumps we’ll defend Braai Day.”

 

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About Jonathan Ancer

I'm a journalist, cryptic crossword junkie, keen cyclist, Billy Bunter book collector and a Billy Bragg stalker. I love words and will post some of the columns I have written over the years on this blog. They include: View from the G-spot (my time as editor of a community newspaper in Grahamstown), Virgin Cyclist (the build up to my first Argus Cycle Tour), Pop psychology (my take on fatherhood) and Angry Utterances (10) (how crossword puzzles unlock the world's secrets and the meaning of life). Since leaving Independent Newspapers in September 2014 I have started freelancing and write a column for the Witness - The Diary of a Bumbling Hack. I've also become a podcast junkie and have produced a podcast biography series called Extraordinary Lives. Let me know what you think.
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One Response to We’ll defend Noakes with our dairy rears

  1. chaim silver says:

    we thank you from the bottom of our heart, and my best friend’s bottom too.

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