Big Bro Noakes is watching how you roll, okes

Tim No(c)akes

Tim No(c)akes

Welcome to our re-breaducation camp, designed by me, Tim Noakes – the high priest of high fat. The aim of these camps is to reprogramme people who have failed to embrace Noakesism. It’s not your fault you’ve swallowed the mielie-mouthed carboganda – after all, it has been ingrained. Our first guest used to be a member of the Anti Noakes Congress but has been deloafed after attending a re-breaducation camp. Bantingers, please put your hands together for Meat.

Noakes: Meat, I just have one question for you: What will you do for me?
Meat: I will do anything for Noakes, but I won’t do carbs…

Noakes: Meat will be in concert with other Banting bards such as the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Spice Girls, Smashing Pumpkins and The Cranberries. Before you go, though, can you please lead us in the Lard’s Prayer.

Meat: Tim, who art on Twitter, hallowed be thy diet. Give us this day our daily dairy – and make it double cream – and forgive us our pastries… lead us not into temptation, and deliver us from cereal.

Noakes: Everyone repeat after me: Fat is the new thin! I’m here to warn you about the Anti Noakes Congress – also known as the Carbo Nostra. If this muffin Mafia continues unchecked it will bring about the acarbolypse. It’s time to hit back at the loafers.
We need to be vigilant. Paleo-enemy number one is Cereal Ramaphosa followed closely by Ronnie Casseroles and Marthinus van Schalkcake. They claim to have been inspired by Nelson Roll-ihlahla Mandela. Other people on our red list include Clive Rice – we don’t like white rice, Condeelezza Rice – we are not too fond of brown rice either, Starchbishop Desmond Tutu, Justin Beerber and Sugar Ray Leonard.

It has also come to our attention that press people like former Cape Times executive editor Crisp Wheatfield and the Business Day’s ex-editor Pita Bruce are spreading anti-Banting messages. They will be summoned to appear before the Media Apples Tribunal where they will be given a pizza my mind.

Meanwhile the following bands have been band: Bread, Limp Bizkit, Bananarama and the Black Eyed Peas. Anyone caught singing “dough ray me” will not pass begin, but will go straight to the slammer. Please note that it’s a criminal offence to be in possession of the following books: Life of Pi, Grapes of Wrath and Catcher in the Rye.
It is acceptable to read Green Eggs and Ham, and your Banting Bible is Goodbye, Mr Chips.

It is forbidden to watch the TV series M*A*S*H (unless it’s a cauliflower substitute) and anyone caught watching it on the side will be hunted down by our Meat Militia’s special forces, the Salami Army.

Also, note that it’s a criminal offence to utter the following: Man cannot live on bread alone.
It is, however, acceptable to say: Man cannot live on bread.
Breadwinner is now bread loser and anyone who says Banting is the best thing since sliced bread will be toast.
Instead of “breaking bread with someone” you will just “break bread”.

Any anti-patriots who question the science of Noakesism should be reminded that an anagram of “Tim Noakes” is “No Mistake” – before they are executed.

Repeat after me: Fat is the new thin!

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About Jonathan Ancer

I'm a journalist, cryptic crossword junkie, keen cyclist, Billy Bunter book collector and a Billy Bragg stalker. I love words and will post some of the columns I have written over the years on this blog. They include: View from the G-spot (my time as editor of a community newspaper in Grahamstown), Virgin Cyclist (the build up to my first Argus Cycle Tour), Pop psychology (my take on fatherhood) and Angry Utterances (10) (how crossword puzzles unlock the world's secrets and the meaning of life). Since leaving Independent Newspapers in September 2014 I have started freelancing and write a column for the Witness - The Diary of a Bumbling Hack. I've also become a podcast junkie and have produced a podcast biography series called Extraordinary Lives. Let me know what you think.
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1 Response to Big Bro Noakes is watching how you roll, okes

  1. Jane says:

    Loved, loved this. Hilarious.
    Wonderfully entertaining.
    thanks 🙂

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