Red October and Red Berets inspire Schuster switcheroo flick

leon schuster

From: Schucks@Schuster.com
To: JujuM@Eff.co.za, TheHof@Sasol.co.za
Subject: Red Berets and Red Balloons…
Dear Juju and Steve,
I’ve been suffering from movie block for months and last night I had a brainwave for a new flick.

From: TheHof@Sasol.co.za
To: Schucks@Schuster.com, JujuM@Eff.co.za
Subject: RE: Red Berets and Red Balloons…
I’m listening.

From: JujuM@Eff.co.za
To: Schucks@Schuster.com, TheHof@Sasol.co.za
Subject: RE: RE: Red Berets and Red Balloons…
Who are you?

From: Leon@Schuster.co.za
To: JujuM@eff.co.za, TheHof@Sasol.co.za
Subject: RE: RE: Red Berets and Red Balloons…
It’s me, Schucks. Okay, picture this: Juju and The Hof are summoned to appear before the Equality Court on charges of hate speech because you have both written anti-Zuma songs. On the way to the courtroom you get into the same lift, which gets stuck. You start to argue. “Boers have stolen the land”, “Blacks are killing boers like flies”, “Boers beat blacks”, “Blacks are corrupt and can’t play rugby”. There’s a scuffle and Juju’s red beret lands on Steve’s head. “You don’t know what it’s like to be a black man in a white man’s world,” says Juju at exactly the same time Steve says, “You don’t know what it’s like to be a white man in a black man’s world.” A bolt of lightning crashes and bada bing bada boom Julius Malema and Steve Hofmeyr switch bodies, with hilarious results. What do you think?

From: JujuM@Eff.co.za
To: Schucks@Schuster.com, TheHof@Sasol.co.za
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Red Berets and Red Balloons…
You must be joking!

From: TheHof@Sasol.co.za
To: Schucks@Schuster.com, JujuM@Eff.co.za
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Red Berets and Red Balloons…

I don’t know. Oh Schuks… I’m gatvol of politics and I’m over those Steve jokes. I’m into crossword puzzles now. But I’m stuck on this clue: Beer doctor gets drunk on white whine (3,7).* Any ideas?

From: Schucks@Schuster.com
To: JujuM@eff.co.za, TheHof@Sasol.co.za
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Red Berets and Red Balloons…

None. Just think of all the gags we can squeeze into a Malema and Hofmeyr flick. Juju (in Steve’s body) goes to a Hofmeyr concert with hilarious results. He invites a farmer on to the stage and serenades him with Kill the Boer and then slaughters a cow. The blue-haired tannies and ooms will platz. Meanwhile, Steve (in Juju’s body) goes to an EFF-OFF rally where he sings De La Ray Beret and then 99 Red Balloons. He gets YOU magazine to sponsor EFF, renaming it the EFF-YOU party, which has a BlackBeret phone as its symbol. The BlackBeret phone is the world’s doffest smartphone with the worst battery life and, just like Juju, needs to be charged. My working title is The Runts of Red October. Steve, I think we should get either Eff Bridges or Hugh Effner to play you. Halle Beret can take the role of Juju.

From: JujuM@Eff.co.za
To: Schucks@Schuster.com, TheHof@Sasol.co.za
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Red Berets and Red Balloons… 
Listen here, Schucks, no one takes Juju’s roles. Or Juju’s Nando’s. Or Juju’s land. What’s it with you whites wanting to take everything. If the Red Octobers are willing to share the land with the Red Berets then I’ll kiss Steve and this will become a blue movie. I have to go now, though, there’s a Zuma on my Stoep.

He wore a raspberry beret...

He wore a raspberry beret…

 

*RED OCTOBER: An anagram of “beer doctor” (“gets drunk” is the anagram indicator) gives the name of the campaign Hofmeyr supports.

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About Jonathan Ancer

I'm a journalist, cryptic crossword junkie, keen cyclist, Billy Bunter book collector and a Billy Bragg stalker. I love words and will post some of the columns I have written over the years on this blog. They include: View from the G-spot (my time as editor of a community newspaper in Grahamstown), Virgin Cyclist (the build up to my first Argus Cycle Tour), Pop psychology (my take on fatherhood) and Angry Utterances (10) (how crossword puzzles unlock the world's secrets and the meaning of life). Since leaving Independent Newspapers in September 2014 I have started freelancing and write a column for the Witness - The Diary of a Bumbling Hack. I've also become a podcast junkie and have produced a podcast biography series called Extraordinary Lives. Let me know what you think.
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