Minutes of the meeting of the Medical Parolee Support Group (MPSG)
Schabir Shaik: I call the meeting of the Medical Parolee Support Group to order. Who is present?
Jackie Selebi: Did you say present? I told the judge I didn’t take bribes; I accepted presents. There’s a difference. What has become of the world when accepting presents is a crime?
Shaik: Let the minutes reflect that once again it is just Secretary-General Shaik and General-Secretary Selebi attending the MPSG’s monthly meeting.
Selebi: Not one medical parolee (MP) has come back for a second meeting – poor form. I suppose it’s not the first time an MP has let us down, Secretary-General.
Shaik: Actually General-Secretary, the MPs don’t come back because they die before the next meeting. Don’t get too attached to them.
Selebi: Where is their commitment?
Shaik: We are made of sterner stuff than the ordinary MP. Why do the Selebi spotters and the Shaik seekers take pride in destroying us? The press should applaud you for defying final stage kidney failure to risk your life to buy one of their products. Instead they make a brouhaha and a hullabaloo. It’s not like there are so many readers out there.
Selebi: Before jail I was Jackie Selebi. In jail I was Jackie Celibacy and now that I’m stalked by paparazzi I’m Jackie Celebrity. What has become of the world when a man is treated like a common criminal just because he shops till he drops?
Shaik: Exactly, and me playing golf is, in fact, a medical emergency. I was just following doctor’s orders. He told me I needed more greens. The average medical parolee lives only 15 days after being released.
It’s been 1 679 days since I walked out of jail and savoured the sweet taste of freedom. That’s a world record. You’re in second place with your 455 days. But instead of applauding our triumph, the country ridicules us. We should be celebrated.
After all, we have defied the odds. We have spat in the face of terminal illness. We have chortled at melanomas, doubled up over diabetes, tittered at tumours and mocked malaria. We have cackled at cancer, guffawed at the bubonic plague, and best of all, we have LOLed in the face of death.
Yet, despite our great feats, people hate us. Why? We need to employ an image consultant to pimp our reps.
Selebi: Did you say pimp? Because some of my best friends…
Shaik: Forget your best friends, finish and klaar. We need a social media campaign with retwitters and likes on Hashbook. We need facetags like #dyingforfreedom and #Iwillsurvive. We need designer crossword clues like: Selebi says his friend has a final drink. Yuk! (6, 3, 5)*
Selebi: Speaking of drinks, why don’t we throw a “Get out of jail free” party to celebrate our world record survival?
Shaik: Brilliant idea. Put it on the agenda. By the way, where is the agenda?
Selebi: How should I know?
Shaik: Because you have it. Don’t tell me you have concealed it again.
Selebi: Are you accusing me of having a hidden agenda?
Shaik: Keep your pants on.
Selebi: Keep your fingers out of the cookie jar. Ouch! I can’t believe you just hit me. I’m going to tell the media, you shameless malingerer.
*FINISH AND KLAAR: An anagram of “has a final drink” (“yuk” is the anagram indicator) reveals the phrase Selebi used when he described drug-trafficker Glenn Agliotti as “my friend finish and klaar”.