The Kevin Pietersen SMS scandal inspired @aclueaday, one of the world’s finest cyber-cruciverbalists, to compile this crossword clue: Offensive messenger with even stinkier PE clobber (5,9).*
The messages were about KP’s teammates – talk about a Bitch Report. I asked Julian Assange, who is cooped up in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, to put his investigative journalism skills to good use and unearth the KP cables.
Assange, who has just completed WiccaLeaks (an investigation into witches), agreed.
In an exclusive exposé, we bring you KayPeeLeaks.
KP to Graeme Smith: Biff, congrats on becoming a dad but I’m just a little hurt you didn’t name your lightie after me.
Biff to KP: Boet, she’s a girl!
KP to Biff: So? A boy named Sue. A girl named Kevin. Anyway, if you need fatherhood tips just ask me. I’m a genius father. If you don’t believe me just ask my kid.
Biff to KP: Dylan is only two.
KP to Biff: What can I say? He’s a genius just like his dad. Biff, I need your advice.
Biff to KP: Don’t dye your hair down the middle again. You do know that it looked like there was a dead skunk on your head.
KP to Jacques Kallis: Howzit Kallis, I’m trying to get back into the Proteas. I can switch grips and countries at the drop of a bat. I’m a genius. Please put in a good word with Biff. From one Capie to another. I’m KP, get it?
JK to KP: Unsubscribe.
KP to Biff: No, Biff, I need some advice about my career. I can’t stand being in this team of pasty-skinned players any more. They’re too white for me. Besides, with Cook and Onions it’s not a cricket team, it’s a recipe book. I want to de-defect.
Biff to KP: Boet, our team isn’t big enough for two Pietersens!
KP to Alviro Petersen: Sorry, dude, you’ve just been dropped from the Proteas.
AP to KP: WTF?
KP to AP: It’s simple, mate. KP’s in, AP’s out. I just heard from Biff. Don’t worry, you can carry my bags. You’re like my brother from another mother.
KP to Gary Kirsten: Have you heard the good news? What a relief to see the back of Flower. Flower is a pansy. Heh, heh, heh. Did you see what I did there? Now that I think of it, Flower should be coaching the Proteas. Get it? Flower should be coaching the Proteas.
GK to KP: ?????
KP to GK: Anyway, Gazza, consider this your early retirement present. You can sit back and relax. I’ll take over coaching. I’m a genius coach.
KP to Biff: Something has been bothering me and I’m afraid I can’t accept your offer until we’ve sorted it out. Your wife tweeted that you have a huge penis, but – and I don’t mean to boast – let’s just say they don’t call me “Big Kev” for nothing.
Biff to KP: Offer? What offer? Besides, who calls you Big Kev?
KP to Biff: Do you think it’s a coincidence that “Pietersen” anagrams to “penis tree”? My penis is a genius.
Biff to Andrew Strauss: We need to talk about Kevin.
* KEVIN PIETERSEN: an anagram of “even stinkier PE” (“clobber” is the anagram indicator) gives the name of an “offensive messenger”. Thanks to @aclueaday for this superb clue – follow him on Twitter.