Fail! Eric starts to mess with the City Press editor (6)*. I’m at a restaurant, trying to solve that crossword clue, when I notice three men and a woman speaking in hushed voices at a table nearby. One of the men gets up. He lifts his glass. “The Departed Columnists’ Society bestows the Order of the Esteemed Hater on our latest member. Rise, Slur Eric The Abhorrent.”
I turn my attention back to the crossword and see this clue: Miyeni, a South African hater, in America (4)**.
The Departed Columnists’ Society’s founding members are John “I Hate Gays” Qwelane, David “I’m a racist so sue me” Bullard and Kuli “Coloureds are drunk and have no front teeth” Roberts.
Eric Miyeni joined the DCS on Monday when his column “Bite The Bullet” bit the dust. He pulled a bit of a Bullard by calling City Press editor Ferial Haffajee a black snake in the grass and an agent of white capitalists who would probably have had a burning tyre around her neck in the 1980s.
Miyeni ’s furious colon purging in the Sowetan followed a City Press report that Juju Malema had a few trust issues.
The waiter approaches the group. “Hi guys, would you like some men…”
Qwelane stands up. “How very dare you?” he roars. “Calling me gay is NOT okay! I’m the ambassador to Uganda and I’ll have you stoned.”
The waiter, who looks stoned anyway, tries again. “Er, uhm, menus. Would you like some, uhm, er, menus?”
“Just bring us all steaks,” says Miyeni.
“How would you like them? Well done or tender?”
“Tender! Tender! Tender!” yells Miyeni, picking up his fork and pointing it at the waiter with intent. “Why are you agents of white capital so obsessed with tenders?”
Bullard coughs. Miyeni looks at him. “Er, no offence, David, some of my best white capitalist colonialist agents have friends.”
Bullard goes red – that doesn’t mean he becomes a communist. Steam streams out of his eyes and smoke pours out of his ears. He has taken offence.
He glares at the fork-wielding Miyeni.
“Well, if it weren’t for colonialists there would be no forks,” he splutters.
Miyeni turns to Roberts. “Can I please borrow your necklace… I need to teach this agent a lesson.”
“Don’t do it, Kuli,” yells Bullard.
Qwelane jumps up again. “This is the new South Africa – we don’t call people derogatory names. Besides, Ms Roberts is not even Indian.”
Bullard jumps up: “Listen, Mr Queerlarney…,” he starts, but he doesn’t have time to finish – the ambassador cuts him off with a very diplomatic sucker punch to the throat.
“I may be a homophonic homophobe, but I’m no yuppie,” screams Qwelane, “and calling me gay is NOT okay! Stone him,” he yells.
Fists fly, forks fly, tender steaks fly and a wayward punch sends Roberts’s front teeth hurtling out of her mouth.
It’s time for me to leave.
On my way out I drop this clue on their table: Loathsome born haters get agitated and lose the point (9)***.
“It’s not a ‘straight’ clue,” I yell at Qwelane, and rush out before he can stone me.
* FERIAL: An anagram of “fail” and “er” (“Eric starts”), “mess” is the anagram indicator, gives the first name of the City Press editor.
** ERIC: The name of a South African “hater” is hidden in “AmERICa”.
*** ABHORRENT: an anagram of “born hater” (“agitated” is the anagram indicator) without the s (“lose the point” – ie lose “s” (south, a compass “point”).
This is an interesting haters play. You didnt add anything to disgust them, but used their words against them.
We can have a stage play about this haters
I second that.
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