Monthly Archives: July 2011

Double OMG I’ve landed in Acronym Hell

Posted on July 29, 2011 by

South Africa has a twelfth official language – Bureaucratanese. It’s spoken by people in The Government. I started learning this language this week when I took a course to become a Seta-accredited “assessor”. Here’s an actual sentence in Bureaucratanese. “You … Continue reading →

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A simple Pieman met a Skyman

Posted on July 22, 2011 by

Jonnie “PieMan” Marbles will go down in history for a pudding attack that outfoxed an old fox – Rupert Murdoch. It wasn’t so much an upper-cut – it was more of an upper-crust.    Marbles is being held in custardy and … Continue reading →

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Part 1: My Castrol tin box

Posted on July 21, 2011 by

On March 23 someone broke into Jonathan Ancer’s underpants. During his search for answers Ancer discovers that the man who has breached his holy of holies is a scam artist who calls himself Joseph Williams. Now, in this five-part series … Continue reading →

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Part 2: The Prowler and the Prowling…

Posted on July 20, 2011 by

I’m mad as hell. Joseph Williams broke into my house and helped himself to my stuff. He stole my Castrol Tin Box, which held my chequebook and other treasures and cherished childhood memories. His hands, which rifled through my underpants … Continue reading →

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Part 3: My Cheque Mate

Posted on July 19, 2011 by

Hands up everyone who trusts the police. Hmmm, that’s what I thought. So with folks like Jackie “15 years” Selebi and Bheki “Pimp my HQ” Cele leading the charge against crime in this country, I decided to go vigilante on … Continue reading →

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Part 4: I Join The Mob

Posted on July 18, 2011 by

When the police and the banks show zero interest in investigating a burglary at my  house I decide to take the law into my own hands. I’m hoping I have finally found Joseph Williams, the man who stole my chequebook … Continue reading →

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Part 5: Why I Can’t Let it Go

Posted on July 17, 2011 by

Julius Malema is building a state-of-|the-art safe room bunker under his new R16 million home –– that’s one helluva big underpants drawer. I can’t afford a bunker, but as I near the end of my search for justice I’m beginning … Continue reading →

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Rupert the bare reveals all

Posted on July 15, 2011 by

I concocted a cunning plan. I decided to hack the hacker. On Sunday morning, as the News of The World hit the street for the final time, I tapped into the cellphone of Rebekah Brooks, Rupert Murdoch’s right hand and … Continue reading →

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This column wasn’t written by Zapiro

Posted on July 8, 2011 by

“You’re him,” he said. “You’re Jonathan, the genius journalist. How do you manage to be sharp, insightful, topical and humorously critical every week?” “Well, uhm, er,” I blushed.  “I’m your biggest fan,” the man gushed. “Hang on, my wife’s your … Continue reading →

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Juju’s European tendencies: chewing the fettuccini with Silvio

Posted on July 1, 2011 by

South Africa suffers from hundredencies – tendencies to the power of tendencies. The tendency tendency started with Julius Malema’s notorious “white tendency” outburst when he chucked a BBC agent out of a press conference. The latest tendency explosion was sparked … Continue reading →

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